Halal Mix Tape Vol. 1

I haven't laughed this much in a gazillion years as I did after watching this video by Lota-Pani Productions and Gandaghee. Young North American Muslims with a huge sense of humor!

The New 7 wonders

I did a post on the naming of 7 new wonders of the world in January of last year. This year on July 7th 2007 (777 oohh!) 7 new wonders were named. Among them Petra in Jordan, The great Wall of China, Taj Mahal in India, Machu Pichu in Peru and the Collosseum in Rome.

In my previous post I wrote down the seven wonders of my world, asking you to come up with the seventh wonder. Here is a recap of them, and the invitation still stands so start your mind machines and get creative!

The seven wonders of my world:

1. The rickshaws in Pakistan: tiny, three wheeled yet carries up to a total of 4 grown ups, still maintains a high speed and manages to re-arrange your entire organ content, ending up with your heart literally in your throat, for a mere price of 15 rupees.

2. The taxi cars of Cairo: some have doors, some don't. Some have windows, some don't. And should they have windows, they don't have the device needed to wind it down. But they all come equipped with your own state of the art driver who manages to make even atheists call to God for help once in their life.

3. The donkeys of Petra: I lay my life in their hands and surprisingly I survived. Taking a ride on a donkey up a steep, narrow mountain is something of a death wish, but these donkeys knew exactly where to go without needing their master show them. Props to the donkeys! Which is more than I can say for Jordanian cab drivers...

4. PIA (Pakistan International Airlines): or Perhaps I'll Arrive... I once took a flight from Lahore to Islamabad that later was bound for London but after landing in Islamabad, picking up a few passangers, it went back to Lahore again. Why? They said they had to fill the tank...need I say more?

5. The Pakistani People: Whenever the son or daughter gets married and it's time to "move out", they always amazingly enough manage to find the only available apartment or house in that city at that time, directly placed in front of their own. Sometimes it's so close that you can actually look into each others living rooms and wave!

6. Microsoft Word: Can you believe that the word "Kaaba" (I also tried Kaba) doesn't exist in its "dictionary". The most famous and holy building for Muslims. Instead I got the suggestion of "Kaibab" and "Kabala". However when I try writing the Jewish words "Kibbutz" and "Bar Mitzvah", there is no problem whatsoever. I am happy for the Jews, don't get me wrong. It's great to be represented with words that are of significance to your faith or culture. Still, it sure makes you wonder. Microsoft... Get a grip.

As for the seventh wonder, I invite my readers to come up with suggestions... now be fair...

Squirt Attack

As I finished my meal at Beit al Mandy in Sharjah I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. All of a sudden I heard a squirting noise and felt something moist smelling good. It scared the hell out of me seeing as I was alone and had no idea where that came from!

As I looked up I noticed this little device on the wall. Being from Sweden where we do not have what seems to be a timed room refreshener, timed to squirt every 20 minutes, I felt like a country girl arriving in the city for the first time! Well you learn something new everyday, ey?

How Pakistani Are you?

Arey, you are 49% Pakistani!

Not bad, but not good enough to call yourself a real Pakistani either! You seem more London than Lahore, so why not try wearing a shalwar kameez for a week and maybe that'll bump up your rating...

How Pakistani are you? (first class number one!)
Create a Quiz

This has got to be the most hillarious test ever. Whether you are Pakistani or not (I reckon you can substitute Pakistani with any type of desi), it's worth taking it for a good, long laugh. I am quite happy with my results, after all I am half Pakistani.

*I got this off fellow blogger Baraka's blog

Sweden's first working Minaret?

A small city in Sweden, Västerås, will be the first to allow Swedish Muslims to use a Minaret in the traditional sense, calling out to prayer five times a day.

The Minaret they will be using does not belong to the Mosque. Instead they will be using the tower of the city hall (which actually looks like a Mosque), previously home to ringing bells that apparently annoyed the people living there.

5 times a day as of yesterday April 1st, Imam Mahmut Ongun will be calling to prayer.
The City Council of Västerås, led by Roger Haddad feels that the 5 calls to prayer a day will be a refreshing change for the inhabitants of Västerås.

Right... this is what you could read and listen to on the Swedish Radio website yesterday, April 1st. Swedish Muslims are now confused over whether this article is in fact an April fools joke or if it is true. Well how about that people?

Cruella and The Knight in Broken Armor

A humorous "ode" to the fairy tales we have been brought up on.

Here you come riding back again,
on your limping horse, riding the wrong lane.
"I come with glad tidings", you say, so say?
But there's nothing but hot air blowing my way.

You get off your horse, the poor thing falls,
"I have your glass slipper that you left at the ball",
You must be mistaken, see it doesn't fit me?
besides this is plastic, how cheap can you be?

"I'm a knight in armor here to take you away",
but your armor is broke so now what do you say?
Nothing, there you go giving up again,
on your limping horse, riding the wrong lane.

A hundred years later you decide to return,
You have had many lessons and a chance to learn.
"Let down your hair, I wish to climb your high fort ,"
Oh I'm sorry but last week I cut it short.

Bush starrs in Arabic Music Video

In my hotel room in Cairo I saw this music video by singer Shams, Ahlan Ezayak (Hi, how are you). It criticizes in a comical way the whole Bush Administration's dealings with Iraq and Guantanamo as well as touching on the topic of plastic surgery. Refreshing for a change. Watch it here.

Tinku's World

I have earlier blogged about American-Indian Muslim lawyer/comedian Azhar Usman and his hillarious ensemble of Allah Made me Funny. I recently stumbled upon a side project he has been working on with two short pilot episodes where he plays the character Tinku Patel, outsorced by a Chinese company from India to make a documentary in the US about the American Dream. Hillarious!

Episode 1
Episode 2

Is you is or is you ain't?

Most of us grew up watching Tom & Jerry. One episode in particular, Solid Serenade (1946), has stayed in many people's minds. Tom plays and sings the old 1940's classic "Is you is" by Louis Jordan.

Watch it here.

Epidose Updates:
Tom & Jerry in the Hollywood Bowl (episode appears after 1 h 34 min featuring Die Fledermaus by Johann Strauss Jr.)
The Cat Concerto feat. Hungarian Rhapsody no 2.
Mouse in Manhattan.

Picture courtesy of the ultimate fan site Tom & Jerry Online.

Holy Soap!

Did you know there was a Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice?

This is what they have done lately in Saudi Arabia.

How about helping their fellow male citizens to keep it in the pants on their business trips?

-With thanks to DG for the link to the Comission's website.

"Taxintegration"

Sweden's older population, the 70 plus crew, grew up in a Sweden without immigrants (besides the Italians that came during the 50's), black people, Muslims. No interaction at school, work, neighborhood lead to many of these senior citizens living in a Sweden that is today totally new to them. With people they know nothing of and have the utmost prejudice for.

Then came the Taxis. In most larger cities, a large number of immigrants or "new Swedes" drive these Taxis. And when you get old in Sweden and have trouble taking the bus or train yourself (especially while going grocery shopping), the government gives you a taxi card where you ride the cab for a small sum.

All of a sudden all these older people have to meet with Mamadou, Abdi, Nima and the likes. They sit together for a longer period of time and the final verdict on their OK'ness will be given in the end; whether or not Mamadou, Abdi or Nima, opened the door to the car and helped the passenger out, carried the groceries all the way to the door.

Like one older Swedish lady said: "I rode with a black fellow today. He was totally black. But he was soo nice to me, he even carried my groceries to the elevator."

Welcome to the 21st century grandma...

Female French Revolution

For those of you who missed reading my "A French Revolution in Saudi" post, here is a re-cap of it:

I have a suggestion for all Saudi women; it's time for a revolution!

Yes you heard me. Bring out the guillotine (in the form of kitchen knives that do an excellent job on tomatoes), guns (in the form of the latest version of blow-dryers) and don't forget to claim the code; Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité!

You are to tell the men in your lives (and the king), that you are not able to work outside your home and contribute to the economic growth of society because it is against your fitra (human predisposition). Don't forget to quote some of the leading wahabi scholars; I'm sure you will find heaps of material for your defence.

-Fraternize with your kitchen utensils and chop your husband up a lovely salad, Tabbouleh perhaps? That knife of yours will chop up those tomatoes in small squares before you can say "Help". (Oh and if you don't have a husband, a brother or father will do just fine.)

-Equalize yourself to that of a servant (for what could possibly be better than to serve your husband?) And last but not least:

-Liberalize yourself just enough to pull out the blow-dryer and fix your hair in the latest western hairdo (for even the learned wahabis don't mind you getting all dolled up á la Hollywood, as long as it's for your husband).

Vive le reverse psychology!

Travel Time & Wedding Planning

It's time for another short but sweet trip. Will be back to blogging hopefully by next week.

The Wedding planner
A friend of mine is getting married and the whole Pakistani thing has to be done. First two different mehndi (henna) days. One for the bride, one for the groom. On top of that, one wedding day for the girl (Baraat), and one for the guy (Walima). Are you feeling exhausted?

Anyways, with Pakistani weddings you can always be sure to expect drama. You know, of the Bollywood kind. 200 gulab jamuns have to be made, a woman who can play the dhol (drum) needs to be located, and, make sure to tell that woman alongside her friends not to sing for 5 hours (please!!!), find sticks to make dhandiyan (wooden sticks in colour used for a special dance.)

Finding the sticks & A No Fork Policy
I mean you just don't find the right equipment for Pakistani weddings here. So what does any normal Pakistani do?...They go to the hardware store, buy some wood, and saw some dhandiyan...

Then there was the purchasing of supplies for the first Mehndi that we did today. So I tell my friend TP, lets get 200 forks, knives and spoons.
TP: Shaykhspeara what are you saying? These are no Swedes. It's all chammach (spoon) and roti (bread).

Then I'm like, so, shouldn't we get you like a guestbook for all the guests to sign it?
TP: Are you still on about those Swedish things? I'll be happy if they leave stains of curry in it.

To be there or not to be there
Then there is the issue of planning the actual program of the day. When is the groom entering, who will throw rose petals on him, and when is the bride entering with her entourage? So naturally, I ask.
TP: Well she's not gonna be there.
Me: What do you mean she's not gonna be there, she's the Bride??
TP: Well I don't know don't ask me. I think her mom said it was bad luck.

So I don't plan the program with her in mind. A few days later I get a call. The bride is after all, gonna be there.

A few days later, another call.

TP: Well, there's been a slight change of plan.
Me, bracing myself: Oh?
TP: Yes, the bride isn't coming oh and, the wedding has been moved earlier, to next week.
Me: NEXT WEEK?? NO BRIDE??

So the bride is not coming, but, get this...her family is.

The bride's Mehndi
Then there is the issue of the bride's Mehndi day. So I ask TP, what's the plan for that?
TP: Well I am not going.
Me: What's this now? Why are you not going?
TP: Because her mom wanted it so. But you are going.
Me: I am going? I am going to your wedding but you are not gonna be there? I am not even related but I will be there?

The Almond Talk
We (as in the grooms entourage), have to come to the bride's Mehndi day with almonds in a basket. So let me get this straight: I am going to my friend's wedding without my friend being there, to attend his bride to be's Mehndi whom I have no affiliation with, carrying almonds in a huge basket we bought from IKEA...

All in all, what don't you do for your friends? A small sacrifice to make them happy on their big day, umm, I mean days. Even though they won't be there to witness some of the days!! *laugh*

"Clean, Fresh, Muslim Woman" Returns!!!

People, do you remember him?

Well, since I am the mother of coincidence and dramatic situations, meeting him once was of course not enough.

Yesterday while on my way to a meeting, I went into the train, and mind you there are 8 carriages normally on a Swedish train. I manage to enter the exact same carriage, and also entrance, where "Clean Fresh Muslim Woman" Mad Man is sitting.

I never forget a face. Needless to say, one look at him and my spine wasn't only shivering but willing to break in two!

He starts smiling and waving and giving me the "thumbs up". I just nod my head and continue the conversation I was having with my friend on the phone. Ironically as it was, the girl I was talking to was the exact same friend who was with me the first time we were "introduced" to him on Queen Street.

Noticing that I am majorly ignoring him, and laughing my head off inside, a Romanian girl of perhaps 14 or 15 begging for money passed by me towards him. He gives her money and then asks her to sit down infront of him and they start speaking in broken english.

I hear parts of the conversation (no I was not eves dropping, he speaks so loudly one has no choice but to hear!).

CFMW Guy: Yes yes, my friend he is thiiiiiissssss taaallllll (stretching out his hands to describe how tall his friend is).
Romanian Girl: Oh ok.
CFMW Guy: Yeah and his girl friend is only this tall (narrowing the distance between his two hands).
Romanian Girl: Aha.

Needless to say I ran as soon as I could.

Islamic Games and Basement Mosques part 2

Having read the entire Qur'an was however not enough, I still had to go every weekend and sit there, and read it all again!

Me, 8 years old: Daddy, why do I have to go again, I have already done my Qur'an khatam?
Dad: That doesn't mean you stop reading The Qur'an.
Me, still 8: I know that but can't I read at home?
Dad: Don't argue with your father.

It's a wonder I learnt how to have a constructive conversation with anyone.

Joke aside, I kept on going and reading, and dipping cookies, but of course now even more bored than before. We were not allowed to talk anything while it was "reading time" and the Molvi had his eyes and big fat belly on us all the time. If one did happen to talk, one would be sure to get a flying pen coming ones way. I must confess I perfected my reflexes in that very mosque.

So, I came up with a brilliant idea!

Whenever I wanted to talk to my friend sitting next to me, I would simply keep my head down as if I am reading, do the usual back and forth swinging movement that I have no idea why in the world Pakistani children do when they read the Qur'an, and I simply pretended to read when I infact was saying "So do you wanna come over to my place and play Nintendo?"

The bottom line is, places like that are a waste of space and an insult to religion itself. They really do not motivate children, nor inspire them to feel anything naturally for their religion and identity. Although not all Qur'an schools are like this, the ones here that have been run by Pakistani imported Molvis with no grasp of Swedish culture or language, have been nothing but a disaster. And yet not many know that the Pakistani curriculum and Qur'an learning system and books, are by far the best in the world and are often sought after by Arabs and others trying to teach their children how to read Arabic.

Islamic Games and Basement Mosques part 1

I was sent a link to this website and found in particular quite an entertaining crossword puzzle (notice when you type in the right word a voice keeps repeating mashallah, very good, mashallah, it sounds hillarious) surely aimed at children learning about their religion. I wish we had stuff like this growing up instead of the usual Pakistani Molvi (imam) who spoke no Swedish, sitting in some basement somewhere, repeating a mantra with no soul.

What made me most annoyed with going to the Mosque on Saturday and Sunday (mind you the only two free days of school week), was the fact that I missed Narnia, the BBC tv series, every Saturday morning!

I never forgave dad for that.

Let me tell you what we used to do; majority of kids going to the mosque were Pakistanis, with the odd exception of myself being half Swedish, and my best friend who is also half Swedish half Pakistani. Needless to say, we found each other...

This all started when I was around 5, it was the same routine every Saturday and Sunday. By the time I was 8 I had not only read out the entire Qur'an in Arabic and learnt x number of verses by heart, but to my horror, my father had published a photograph of me saying just that in the Urdu magazine Manzil, that is printed in Sweden by an enthusiastic Pakistani businessman.

Every single kid in that mosque wished they were on some other planet, and the highlight of the day, besides going home, was the break where we were given cookies and lemonade. We would have dipping contests, who could dip the cookie longest without it breaking. (That is how bored we were...)

Introducing a useful word

Do you know anyone who is a milquetoast? I heard of this fabulous word today, and decided to add it permanently to my vocabulary. A milquetoasty person or thing is someone/something that is of a timid or meek disposition, the opposite to another pole, being macho.

The story goes, in 1924 Harold Tucker Webster created a comic strip figuring the character of a timid and meek man by the name of Caspar Milquetoast.

Apparently Peter Cetera (see pic) has been described as a Milquetoasty person when Blender Magazine named the 'Top 25 Biggest Wusses Ever'.

(Information courtesy of Vocab Vitamins)

Welcome to Desi-stan

Can you guess where the following pictures are taken?

Urdu/Hindi lesson of the day: Mirch means chilli

A couple of Sikh gentlemen pulled out a table and chairs on the pavement and are having a little get together.

A Sikh school

Ambala sweet shop. The yummiest Methai place (Indian Sub-continent Sweets). Oh and they take online orders now. I recommend trying Gulab Jamun if you haven't already (eat them warm with coconut ice cream).

Now that's what a bus should look like! Equipped with the Pakistani flag and obligatory bling bling.

Interesting design of the rear, notice the number plate and rear lights.

This, my dear bloggers, was taken on my latest trip (one of the reasons I haven't posted in nearly a week). Oh and by the way, this is Southall, England! I have uploaded some desi songs for y'all on my stickam. Enjoy!

A Muslim Beef Cow

On my last visit to London and a Thai restaurant, the following could be found on the menu:

The first thing that came to mind was,"ok, this must be the only Halal meat option on the menu." One of my friends (MAD) wanted to go for it but was told by another friend (HM) to ask if it was Halal* first.

MAD: Excuse me, the Muslim Beef Curry, it's halal isn't it?
Waiter: No it's not, we are not a Lebanese restaurant you know, there is no belly dancing here hehehehe.
MAD: So you mean it is not halal? But why do you call it Muslim Beef?

Yes indeed, why?

My only conclusion is that the Beef cow converted to Islam while meeting a beautiful Mooooslim cow on a trip to southern Thailand where many Muslims live.

I feel strongly that any Muslim restaurant should have both Christian and Jewish Beef Curry. The latter should naturally not be Kosher because that would defeat the point. And the point here being of no point at all.

Ps. And what in the world has Lebanon and belly dancing got to do with halal meat?

*Halal meaning salughtered according to Islamic requirements, similar to that of Jewish Kosher

Don't use your "Instinct"

According to a study done by Greenpeace* on the potentially harmful contents of certain perfumes, the spray deodorant Instinct by David Beckham apparently contains high levels of the substance DEHP. A substance that within the EU is forbidden to use in cosmetic products due to the risk of negatively affecting fertility and damaging the testicles...

...I think it's fair to say that "Becks" probably doesn't use his own products.


* As stated in an article in the Swedish newspaper Expressen 060620